so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
