Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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