I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
