It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
