I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize