My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
