i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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