my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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