I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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