Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
