yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
