So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
