so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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