I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
