Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
