her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
you didnt know i had herpes?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize