if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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