Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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