So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
