Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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