so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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