Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
