I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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