He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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