the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
