Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I just want to make out with him forever
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
