you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
