OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
