Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize