I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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