You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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