What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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