...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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