i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
