i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
