Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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