Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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