I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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