is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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