I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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