i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I wish you could order shots online.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
this hospital has no fireball
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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