i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
