I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
