so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My bed smells like the plague
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I'm really busy with my period
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
