she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
