Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
