So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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