The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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