I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
