oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
