I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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