If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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