I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
