Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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