Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
