Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
