I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize