I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
