R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize